Is Bread Dangerous?

Is Bread Dangerous? Important warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below

average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life

expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many

women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza

ravaged.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one

pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread

than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer,

Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water

to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter,

jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent

water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this

absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is based at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can

kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant

scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper

stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associated with

bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be

used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of “bread-free” zones around schools.